Monday, 29 April 2013

Gotobed & Knight Brokers Inc. Shareholders Annual Report.

Dear Shareholders

In these troubled times we understand that some of you, and we emphasise only some, Cousin Wilf has no complaints, have expressed anxiety about the performance of the Companies in which we, as experts, invest on your behalf.

This anxiety was exasperated, many of you feel, by Rob Gotobed in a recent interview with The Financial Times, where he compared the current 'Gotobed & Knight' business strategy to his driving a car.

"Being men, we are unwilling to pull over in our cars and ask someone for directions, because this would imply they are somehow more cleverer than us. And obviously they're not, because we're toasty warm in flash cars and they’re mooching around on foot." Many of you feel that this is not the attitude that your directors should be expressing.

First, we would like to point out that we have never been slow to admit our mistakes. Only last week we issued a public apology for the over-enthusiasm of our forefathers at the time of the south sea Bubble in 1720.

We promised to repay every surviving investor the money he had lost - a pledge we are proud to report was fulfilled immediately.

That venture was the first, but to critics we would emphasise by no means the least successful, of our enterprises.

Now about Umbrellas (Sahara) Limited, they folded. As did, through no fault of ours, the Escort Agency and Punk Rock group formed by the monks of Buckfast Abbey.

Also, we have very little to say about our involvement in the Lindsay Lohan School of Culture and the President Bush Course in a Wider Vocabulary.

It would be wrong to dwell only on our failures when we haven’t had a single triumph.

But, other failures have been an expensive, but wholly patriotic attempt to colonise LA, and the unfortunate collapse of State Secrets Limited, which made the mistake of selling its products in department stores across the USA.

All this should, we think, reassure you that we have your interests very much at heart.

For ourselves we are taking a longish vacation in a sheltered spot called Leavenworth Penitentiary in Kansas, but keep buying.

Be seeing you! (Hopefully)

PS: Gotobed & Knight are a lost cause and we're proud of it!!

Monday, 22 April 2013

Are You Capable Of Bestiality?

Important Public Information Service: Rob Gotobed is open-minded about anyone’s sexual proclivities – except for those who are into autoerotic asphyxiation! He believes they need stringing up!!

But is there a beast in all men, and if so how many are capable of bestiality?

Rob Gotobed provides a probing 30-second questionnaire.

1. Which of these three cuts of steak do you prefer?
a. Sirloin?
b. Fillet?
c. Rump??

2. If you were asked to draw a picture of a horse, would you draw…
a. A front view of a horse?
b. A side view of a horse?
c. A rear view of a horse??

3. On going to bed at night do you…
a. Lie facing your girlfriend?
b. Lie facing away from your girlfriend?
c. Lie facing a restless night thinking about animals’ buttocks??

4. You are driving through the jungle but find your way blocked by a giraffe, which is bogged down in several inches of mud, although still upright. You have with you a length of rope and a 36-gallon barrel of beer. Do you….
a. Tie one end of the rope round the giraffe’s neck, the other to your bumper bar, and try to pull the giraffe out of the mud?
b. Drink the 36-gallon barrel of beer in the hope that by the time you’ve finished it the giraffe will have managed to free itself?
c. Stand on the barrel and have the giraffe??

And finally this week, it’s time for Rob Gotobed’s, ‘World of the Unexplained?’- ‘Chappaqquidick?’ – Will we ever know the true spelling?

Be seeing you!!

PS: This update was sponsored by Gotobed’s Fast Food Outlets – ‘Where two burgers are cheaper than three!!’


Monday, 15 April 2013

The Dieters Guide To Weight Loss During Sex!!

A guide to the amount of calories burned up during various sexual activities!!

We surveyed over 320,000,000 people from various parts of Ohio and received the following results:

1 hour of intensive foreplay = 1 slice (large) of chocolate cake.

26.5 minutes of non-stop lovemaking = 2 slices of pizza with extra cheese & mushrooms.

58 minutes of kissing partner = 1 cheeseburger with 14.23 French fries.

58 minutes of kissing yourself (known in the business as the 'Gotobed' Technique) = 1 Christmas turkey with all the trimmings!!

If you are shy = 15 calories
If you are anxious = 45 calories
If you beg = 286 calories

Blowing in partner's ear = 15
Blowing in your own ear = 2512

With partner's consent = 12
Without partner's consent = 187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet = 418

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on = 10
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex = 333

Leg cramp = 36
Sneezing during intercourse = 17
Sneezing during orgasm = 655
Calling partner by wrong name = 56

The Italian: man on top, woman on the bottom = 26
The British: facing each other, but in different beds = 48
The Polish: woman on top, man in hiding = 15
The American: both on top = 1236

And finally we have the exclusive Rob Gotobed Orgasmic Intensity Scale:
Earth moved = 34
If earth actually moves = 1,246,864
Man's socks flew off = 84
Room turned purple = 96
Man's face turned purple = 666

Be seeing you!!


Monday, 8 April 2013

The Top 10 Things You’ll Never Read On Facebook!

1. You have been poked by Britney Spears.

2. Paris Hilton has tagged you in a video.

3. Harry Potter is in Miami.

4. The Pope has got a new girlfriend.

5. Adolph Hitler and Saddam Hussein have updated their status.

6. Banksy and Picasso have written on your wall.

7. Brad Pitt has changed his relationship status to 'Phew!'.

8. Can you confirm these details: We met randomly and had an amazing one-night stand?

9. Can you confirm these details: We worked together smuggling drugs out of Thailand?

10. Robert Mugabe has joined the group 'I bet I can find another 10,000,000 people to vote for me in a Zimbabwe general election!!'

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

President Bill Clinton’s 5 Point Plan For Safer Airline Security!!

Hi I’m Bill Clinton!

Thanks for joining me for my 5 Point Plan For Safer Airline Security.

Firstly, dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place...

Secondly, replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

3. The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, happy to see naked women!!

4. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money! I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

5. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Bill Clinton

PS: Don't tell Hillary you've seen this memo!!