Wednesday, 19 February 2014

A Week In The Life Of Madonna (An extract from her secret diary 2014)

The typical 55-year-old woman’s body consists of 25% fat. Ha!! Madonna does not do fat! I spend 8 hours a day in the gym. I can do 500 squat-thrusts without blinking – by the way that’s not my gym routine, that’s my sex life!!

Memo to legal team, reference my purchase of new $70million New York apartment. I have read the surveyor’s report saying that a subway runs beneath the apartment block and that it will cause noise, rattling, etc. Please call the Mayor of New York and order him to move subway!!

Hooray I can still fit in the same leotard I had when I was twelve years old!!
According to the latest figures, I am now worth 123 million dollars, and if you include my ex-Guy Ritchie’s earnings over the same period ….Wow, that’s 123 million dollars!!

Went to visit Gwyneth Paltrow. It was a total nightmare!! She’s back with Chris again and planning a baby, so she just plays Coldplay all day long to get in the mood. I told her she’s crazy. There is nothing less sexy than Coldplay. He may be her husband, but he sings like a strangled cat!!
Couldn’t even wash my hair, because Gwyneth has decided that shampoo gives you cancer and has thrown all of her bottles out of the house. ‘Forget cancer’, I shouted! ‘I need shine and volume now Bitch!!!’

I’ve been considering my whole child-acquisition programme. The judge in Malawi didn’t let me buy, oops correction, adopt, my new chosen family member?!?!
So now I shall buy Malawi instead!!!

I am displeased by the behaviour of Guy Ritchie-Madonna, whom I had to dismiss recently. He has been consuming alcohol and ‘having a laugh’ with Jude Law. He has also dated Elle Macpherson, Jemima Khan and Petrina Khashoggi. He appears unusually happy! This cannot be allowed. Madonna does not do ‘happy!!’

Today received a worrying email off Guy Ritchie-Madonna's solicitor. It informed me that the 'erectus trouserius' (trouser snake) is the world's most dangerous snake!!
It  went on to say that the color of the snake can vary from pink to black, it's fangless, and has an average length of 5-6 inches, (although some are said to grow up to 8 inches depending on the honesty of the owner!!)
It can appear in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, and its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting up to 9 months. Also, some mutant species are known to attack men from behind!!!
Hmm, dear diary, made a mental note, 'better watch out for those!!!!'

Be seeing you!!

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

The name’s Bond, James Bond!!

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch,

and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!!”