Wednesday, 19 March 2014

How To Make Your Own Rob Gotobed Pregnancy Testing Kit!

You will need:

1. A ruler.

2. A piece of string bigger than your normal waist size. (If you do not have any string spaghetti will do just as good.)

3. A paper and pencil.

What to do:

Before sex measure your midriff using the string/spaghetti and the ruler. Record the result on the piece of paper and store somewhere safe. Repeat the same procedure after sex, and subtract the two figures. The answer should be 0 (zero).

Continue the measurements daily, plotting the results on a graph: a consistent rise in waist size over a period of months tells you what you need to know.

© Steven Spielberg & Rob Gotobed March 2014

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

ROB GOTOBED (Jedi Knight remastered!!)

Rob Gotobed arrived from Never Never Land in 1974 in pursuit of his lost shadow. He is a ‘dada absurdist’ who lives on the island of Caspiar in the Caspian Sea.

He is unique insofar as he wasn’t actually born in the conventional sense. He was created when, during an accidental fire in a comprehensive school chemistry lab, by a million-to-one chance, all the chemicals contained in the human body were fused together in the extreme heat.

He is virtually identical to normal human beings. Although due to the fact that the carbon available came from the ashes of the lab benches, he has a tendency to float without effort in water. It does also explain his acting style.
“Of all the parts I could have played, Rob Gotobed is just one of them”.

Rob’s first big thrill was getting undressed and running full speed into a cactus. He also claims to be the only man in England who can tell the difference between a Scotch egg and a Welsh rarebit by touch alone.

Rob made his first stage appearance at Harold Road Junior School in Cinderella, where he is still remembered as the finest pumpkin they ever had!! It was also while at school that he first showed his ‘propensity’, and had to spend 3 weeks in detention as a result.

The Gotobed philosophy on life:
He says, “I’m an Idealist, that is, I only believe trains have wheels when they are in stations, as you can’t see them when you’re on board. Of course it also follows that I don’t believe people have bodies except when they’re naked, a fact which if true, would render much of my everyday speculation about Kirsten Dunst pointless!!”

He also goes on to say that, “Rene Descartes, the father of modern philosophy, invented the Cogito while hiding in a George Foreman stove in 1620 (to avoid attending jury service in a naturist court). And that Descartes discovered he could doubt the existence of practically everything except the reality of his own thoughts, and of course his own dirty washing!!”

“My philosophy requires a ladder, which you throw away after climbing it!!” He says. “Remember a good philosopher will always strive to complicate the most basic of statements. E.g. ‘the only true light is in the darkness’, or ‘each step forward is a step backwards’. or ‘he who is lucky to talk to the wallflower, is lucky to receive an answer!’”

“Dear God make me chaste? - But not just yet!!”

Gotobed Pastimes
“Well, for the past six months I have been hard at work in a Top-secret laboratory trying to invent a new type of chocolate biscuit. Ever try that? Ever wondered why there isn’t a wider variety of chocolate biscuits available? Just try inventing one and you’ll have your answer. Biscuits fall into two categories plain & sandwich. The problem for us wild and crazy inventors is that as soon as you take it out of two dimensions and build it up, it becomes a cake!!

Last week I thought I’d got close. I got one half of a bourbon and built up two cookies at either end into a kind of pyramidal structure. This enabled me to work out that the cream on the bourbon is equal to the chocolate chips on the two remaining sides!! But then I discovered that far from designing a new biscuit, I’d inadvertently invented a new dress for Britney Spears. Mind you, a lot of people still talk about that dress I designed for Paris Hilton. - Well, I say dress, it was more like a child’s toy-dingy sail attached to her privates!!

Anyway, all of this reminds me of the time when I was born during the Vietnam War. My American born mother (Mary Leider) was a member of the elite ‘US 101st Airborne Pregnant Division’ sent over Vietnam with the express instructions that they discover where the Vietcong kept their V28 missiles, and then ride one back to Utah. Unfortunately, as mum pulled the ripcord her waters broke, and as she landed the jolt caused me to be born. I watched as she rolled up her parachute and hid it in some shrubs. I followed suit, rolling up my placenta and umbilical cord and hiding them behind some other shrubs, near to her shrubs but not the same ones.

But I digress, currently I’m working on some new cakes. Yes they’re called ‘Cakes you would never dream contained a free piece of Home Improvement Equipment’ (catchy title I think you’ll agree?). The one I’m presently working on is a Jigsaw baked into a chocolate sponge with fudge icing and red M & M’s on it, so that it resembles Howdy-Doody from the children’s show.

Who can blame me for going a little hog wild?!?”

Gotobed Latest 2008 News
From January 1st 2008, new Euro regulations require all apples to state clearly the number of pips they contain.

This year’s new word, to be introduced on January 12th 2008, is ‘Fot’.
Reference: the Oxtail English dictionary; Fot (noun), the sound made by breaking the seal on a new jar of coffee.

When recently asked by FHM magazine what he hated most about his body, he replied, ‘my over endowment it makes the other guys jealous!!’

“Remember comedians are like fires? They only go out, if left unattended!!”

“A girl wakes up in the morning after a particularly amazing Saturday night party, and finds herself in bed with an elephant.
“My God”, she says, “I must’ve been tight last night!”
“Oh no, not after the first time”, said the elephant!!”

Post Scriptum (or Interesting fact Number 607): Yes ‘Gotobed’ is his real surname; it’s an old English puritan name. In fact a brother of one of his ‘forefathers’ was one of the original colonists at the Jamestown colony in 1607. He sailed on the ‘Discovery‘ with Capt John Smith.

Blog update by Vic Ferrari xox