I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake
though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don’t
think I need that. Do you?
Christmas Update Version 2.1 : The Bubba Claus.
A new contract for Santa Claus has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve North America on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract has been renegotiated by British Fairies and Elves. I will now serve only certain areas of England and now deliver no further than The Cavern, Liverpool.
As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third American cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences Between Santa & Bubba Claus:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: ‘These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson’.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a jug of Jim Beam and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He smokes a little weed though, so please have a spliff handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying raccoons instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!” or “Wassup Bubba?”
5. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the back of the sleigh as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
6. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit XV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
7. Finally, Bubba Claus does not wear a belt! If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put your presents under the tree.