Wednesday, 28 January 2015

The Gotobed & Knight Story Part 2 (Or the bit they didn't want their fans to read!)

In the fall of 2012 the ‘Fab Two’ faced the biggest threat to their careers. Gotobed in a widely quoted interview had apparently claimed that Gotobed & Knight were now bigger than God, and was reported to have gone on to say that God hadn’t told a good joke in years.

The story spread like wildfire in America. Many fans burnt their comedy albums, although many more burnt their fingers attempting to burn their CD‘s. Album sales skyrocketed. People were buying their CD’s just to try to burn them.

But in fact it was all a ghastly mistake. Gotobed, talking to a slightly deaf journalist, had claimed only that Gotobed & Knight were funnier than President Bush.

At a press conference Rob & Tony apologised to God, Michael Moore, and the press, and so their world tour of 2012 went ahead as planned – but it would be their last.

In 2013 Gotobed & Knight faced an evener bigger threat to their careers when Will Ferrell introduced the two guys from England to ‘Twinkies’.

They enjoyed the pleasant effects of its creamy fillings, despite warnings that it would lead to stronger things, and it enormously influenced their greatest comedy album, ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’.

With such standout tracks as, ‘Judy on Sky with Jonathan Ross, ‘James Corden’s Leaving Home’, ‘With a Little Help from Jon Plowman’, ‘Lovely Miranda Hart,  ‘Being For The Benefit of John Cleese’ and of course ‘A Day with Eddie Izzard’s Wife’.

The release of this album – a millstone in comedy history, contributed greatly to an idyllic summer of bells, flowers and Twinkies. But it was not to last. Under questioning Tony refused to lie to the British Press and admitted not only eating and enjoying Twinkies, but ‘3 Musketeer Bars’ as well, especially the ones with peanut butter. The press always envious of Gotobed & Knight’s tight chinos, grabbed the wrong end of the stick and started to beat Leppo up with it.

Gotobed meanwhile had fallen under the influence of ‘Mararishi Tom Cruise‘, the Hollywood Mystic, and he had introduced Rob to the world of ‘Surreal Beer’ and the Ouija Wok.

The ‘Mararishi’ then invited the ‘Pre-Fab 1’ on a get away-from-it-all, table-tapping weekend to Band Camp, where he promised to enlighten Rob with the meaning of life, and where he could buy chinos for cost price.

But while Gotobed sat at the Hollywood Mystic’s bunions seeking spiritual enlightenment fate dealt them an appalling blow. For it was at Band Camp, during a session of spiritual bingo, that they learned the shocking news of the loss of their manager Shaggy Epstein.

Tired and despondent, Shaggy had tragically - accepted a job with Sainsbury‘s, on their frozen fish counter. But he had for many years held Gotobed & Knight together – often forcibly. Now he was gone – it was the beginning of the end.

And so it was, that Gotobed & Knight’s first movie flop, ‘The Magical Beefeater & The Last Of The Pink Twinkies’, immediately followed the loss of Shaggy.

It was not the strongest idea for a G & K film – 2 Beefeaters from The Tower of London invent a new style of ‘mushy pea‘. They are then eaten by a giant Space Shark and farted out into space – and it was slammed mercilessly by the critics.

In amidst all this controversy they released their ‘We’ve Arrived! (And To Prove It We’re Here)’ Album, now famously known worldwide as the ‘Beige Album’.

Ambitious in its nature, it has gone down in history as the first comedy album to contain no jokes, in fact the album consists of two sides of silence apart from a very large belch 0.02 seconds from the end of the record.

Also, the cover with full frontal Gotobed & Knight riding a naked Britney Spears & Katy Perry to a local stud farm made many fans believe that the Fab 2 had gone too far this time.

Tony Knight meanwhile, had hidden in the background so much that in 2013 a rumour went around that he was dead. He was supposed to have been killed in a flash fire at a waterbed factory and replaced by a plastic and wax replica of Leonard Nimoy from Madam Tussauds.

Several so-called ‘facts’ helped the emergence of this rumour. Firstly, Tony never said anything. Even as the ‘sexy one’ he had not said a word since 2009. Secondly, on the cover of their latest album  ‘We’ve Arrived! (And To Prove It We’re Here)' he was wearing no socks, an old Scunthorpe custom of indicating death. Thirdly, Rob says ‘I buried Tony Knight’ when you repeatedly play the last track on their Sgt Gota album backwards – in fact he says “E burres Knightiano!! Which is very bad Spanish for “I need a toilet quick!”

Fourthly, on the posters for The Gotobed & Knight World Tour of 2012, Tony is leaning in the exact position of a dying dinosaur! (From The Gotobed, & Knight Big Book of Dinosaurs). And finally, if you say the title of ‘Sergeant Gota’s Lonely Darts Club Twinkie Light Show’ backwards it is supposed to sound like ‘Tony has been dead for ages honest.’ In fact it sounds uncannily like “Wohs thgil eikniwt bulc strad ylenol satog tnaegres”.

Tony was, of course, far from dead. Although not far from Scunthorpe. He had fallen into bed with Becky Chipmunk, a large-breasted, biologically accommodating girl whose father had invented Pop Tarts, which had started the Iraq War.

When Tony met her it was lust at first bite. They retired to his aunt’s bungalow in Crewe where he woke up exhausted a year later to find Becky gone, leaving only some crumbs in the bed and a lot of torn sheets. She left no forwarding address, no farewell note, but luckily no children.

Rob meanwhile had also spent a year in bed as a tax dodge. Paul McCartney thinks that he had either received appalling financial advice or he was desperately trying to start a ‘Gotobed is also dead’ rumour. When he finally got up to answer the telephone Bananarama Corps was in a perilous financial state.

Leppo had flown back in a hurry from his honeymoon rally in Nuremberg to meet Ron Knifeman, the most feared promoter in the world, in an attempt to settle Bananarama Corps appalling financial problems.

Unfortunately, Tony was by now accepting the financial advice of Arnold Schwarzenweisengreenenbluenbraunenburger, and Rob was consulting the I Ching every three and a half minutes!!

Business meetings were crazy. At the final meeting 269 legal people and accountants filed into a small eight by ten room. Only 23 came out alive.

The Black Hole of Scunthorpe had taken toll of some of the finest merchant banking brains of a generation. Luckily, that’s not very serious, but Gotobed & Knight were obviously self-destructing fast – and if not sorted it could lead to the worst financial credit crunch in living history –  (Oops sorry about that everyone!)

In the midst of this public bickering and legal wrangling ‘Shit Happens’ was released as a film, an album, and a lawsuit. The documentary showed Gotobed & Knight as never before – tired, unhappy, cross, and just like the rest of the world. Gone forever was the image of the two happy 'Brazilian-bushed' youngsters who had set the world a-laughing.

In December 2013 Tony sued Rob. Then Rob sued Tony. And Leppo accidentally sued himself, three times.

We asked James Corden, ‘why do you think Gotobed & Knight broke up?’
He said, “Women. Just women getting in the way. Cherchez la femme you know.”  So then we asked James ‘Do you think they’ll ever get back together again? After some deliberation he replied, “I hope not!”

But then in mid 2014 like a phoenix rising from the ashes Gotobed & Knight reformed. Starting from rock bottom they began to create the most spectacular comedy the world would never want to see.....

The End.

PS: The Gotobed, Leppo & Knight Archaeology Cds 1,2 & 14 featuring jokes with different punch lines, (and some even with no punch lines at all), outtakes, and the almost legendary lost comedy album, ‘Smile You’re at Shabby Road Studio’ is still available for export on the Bananarama LP: BPCS #7088.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

2015 New Year Resolutions

The townsfolk are gathered. Rob Gotobed emerges from his hole in the ground. Sees his shadow. There will be 12 more months of insane nonsense.

Ah, there's a lovely mist on the ground this morning and the smell of frost in the air. Hooray, winter's here and it’s now safe to remove my bikini!

This New Year's Eve, I had promised NOT to be the guy who lies in the road, crying and wearing a plastic Happy New Year tiara. …Wrong I‘m afraid!

This New Year's Eve, I had promised NOT to be the guy who gets walked home "Weekend at Bernie's" style at 9:15pm. ….Wrong again I‘m afraid!!!

For my New Year’s resolution I had hoped to join an exclusive Wine Club. ….It’s great, they meet every morning at 9.30am in my local park...

But I am now proud to reveal my 2015 New Year Resolutions…

I believe the trick with New Year resolutions is to aim low - thereby avoiding disappointment.

But is it just me or is there something about New Year’s day that makes dreaming of a fresh start just irresistible? - For me it is the traditional going-to-the-gym project.

With my current gym membership, I have worked out that I will get my money’s worth if I go at least twice a day for the next 75 years. - Note to self: Beware Exercise Addiction in 2015.

Therefore in conclusion if I am being utterly realistic, my New Year’s resolutions should be as follows…

1. Give up wanting to see dinosaurs in the wild.

2. Stop trying to invent a flying car - damn you Doc Brown!

3. Forget about ever doing the New York marathon dressed as Sonic The Hedgehog.

4. Stop trying to invent multi-wearable underpants.

5. Put on half a stone in weight.