The tabloids are afire this week with the stunning news that Katy Perry, the feisty threesome who was plucked from obscurity and transformed into one of America’s most successful all-girl bands (the biggest since Destiny's Child, The Supremes and One Direction) has been accused of stalking Rob Gotobed of Gotobed and Knight fame.
The stunning allegations, which have stunned the entertainment world, were made after what appears to be a string of “mysterious circumstances” surrounding Mr. Gotobed, known around the world for his huge talent, huge stardom and Hugh Jackman.
“I have been in hiding for the last six weeks” Mr. Gotobed told me from his concrete bunker at a secret location at 23 Hitler Street, Scunthorpe. “It has been a nightmare. Just because I am in the public eye, it doesn’t mean my life is up for any old Tom, Dick or Deborah Harry to hound my every move.”
The whole sorry tale started in September 2013, when Mr. Gotobed returned home to find his garbage had been knocked over, in a seemingly random attack by Katy Perry.
“That is typical of Katy,” he confided. “She is well known for being above the rules, not needing any good advice, not caring what the neighbours say. She has absolutely no regard. I am stunned.”
Mr. Gotobed claims the attacks have become more intensified since Firework was covered by One Direction. His windows were egged on a regular basis, and his suspicions immediately fell upon the urban-guerrilla Katy Perry.
“I know Katy is not probably known for this kind of mindless vandalism because she is easily egged on – and so is my house”.
Mr. Gotobed, resplendent in matching feather boa and Y-fronts, just wishes to be left alone by the terrible teenybopper.
“I blame Keira Knightley. She is the brains of the operation and I just know whenever I see one of her intimidating films that she is thinking of all kinds of wicked, wicked things to do to me.”
When questioned further about Keira Knightley, Mr. Gotobed shuddered and told us of waking up one morning and being stunned to find Clarins Joli Rouge lipstick daubed on his front door. This, he tells us, is her calling card.
Both Katy Perry and Keira Knightley’s management have stunningly refused to comment on the accusations, and Mr. Gotobed is living in fear for his life.
BREAKING NEWS: Katy Perry and Keira Knightley are actually doing community service in Scunthorpe* - after a complaint was received about them kicking a football against a pensioner’s bungalow in the early hours - both still refuse to apologise to Mr. Gotobed, and if asked by anyone will actually deny all knowledge of their reign of terror.
Report By Izzy Ferrari 14th April 2015