Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve finally succeeded in getting Rob Gotobed & Tony Knight in the same room, at the same time, and they’ve gladly agreed to answer some of your questions.
Q: So how are you guys today?
ROB: Great. I turned my welcome door mat around this morning and went outside for the first time in six years.
TONY: I just had a cup of coffee that gave me just about enough energy to get up and find another cup of coffee.
ROB: Yeah I can vouch for that. He drank so much caffeine this morning that his phone is charging simply by him holding it in his hand.
Q: Do you like watching cookery programmes like The Great British Bakeoff?
TONY: Are you joking? We love them.
ROB: I wasn't alive when ravioli was invented, but I can only imagine the SHOCKWAVES it sent throughout the pasta-making community.
Q: Do you believe in UFO’s and aliens?
TONY: I believe we have already made contact with the aliens and they're way cooler than us. For example, they can skateboard forever without falling down.
ROB: Not sure, but if aliens do ever invade our planet the first question they’ll have is, why is that tiger that loves cereals wearing a scarf?
Q: Are you interested in politics and the general election?
ROB: I just find it ridiculous that it's 2015 and Britain STILL hasn't elected a Prime Minister that has a shaved head with a really long, braided pony tail.
TONY: So how does this voting thing work again? Do we just unfollow the candidate we don't like?
Q: Best advice you’ve ever been given?
TONY: "Look out!!"
ROB: I was told. That any car can be used as an aeroplane and then a submarine for a few beautiful seconds as long as you stay positive in a tough situation.
Q: What advice do you have for people going on a first date?
TONY: Well, a great idea for a first date is to eat a handful of caterpillars the day before. Then drink lots of coca-cola and then right in the middle of the date - burp out a flock of beautiful butterflies. Never ceases to impress the girls.
ROB: Also, don't respond to texts right away or you might look desperate.
TONY: Yeah that‘s right, always wait a few years and then reply "not much, you?" Keep it casual.
ROB: I joined a Dating Agency once. They matched me with a Jane Austen novel and a bottle of Tequila.
Q: Do you believe in any conspiracy theories?
TONY: Of course! I mean everybody knows that the real point of the Apollo space missions was to assassinate the first chimp in space who refused to return to Earth and declared himself Moon King.
ROB: I've never caught a bouquet at a wedding but I've been hit twice with a bag of rubbish from a moving car.
TONY: What the hell does that mean?
ROB: They know!
Q: How do you find the British Police?
ROB: I always feel safer when I see traffic cops wearing those little white gloves, as I know if needed, they can direct me or make me a quality sandwich.
TONY: Brilliant. Anytime I’ve been in trouble with a police officer, I’ve usually eased the tension by just telling them to relax or to take a chill pill.
Q: What’s your favourite movie?
TONY: Toy Story obviously, and the best thing about Toy Story is that if they ever decide to make an ‘Adult’ version they can keep the same theme song. (You've Got a Friend In Me!)
ROB: Do I have to shave? No? Cool.
Do I have to talk? No? Great!
Can I smash stuff up? Yeah? Awesome!! Count me in.
TONY: Who’s that supposed to be?
ROB: Jason Statham signing a movie contract.
Q: Tell us a secret you’ve never told anybody else?
ROB: Every night my socks sneak out of my laundry basket steal buttons from my clothes and go off to become Muppets.
TONY: The hardest thing about being the REAL JAMES BOND is not telling the world. …….Yikes, I hope you don’t accidentally print this.
Q: Rob where did you get that hair style?
ROB: Giovanni’s in the high street. They like to do things a little differently there.
TONY: That’s right, when it’s your turn you take a seat on a mechanical bull and they turn on the scissor fan.
ROB: I once saw Richard Branson walking in there holding up a picture of Iron Maiden’s Eddie.
Q: Have either of you ever come up with a totally unique idea?
TONY: Yes, an edible vegan cookbook.
ROB: A T-shirt that reads "I DIDN'T POOP IN THERE, SOMEONE ELSE DID BUT IT WASN'T ME" to wear when exiting coffee shop toilets.
Q: Do you have any really good advice for people reading this interview?
TONY: Yes. The easiest way to tell if you're obese is to put on a backpack and run after a departing bus. If the people on the bus laugh at you? You're obese.
ROB: Leaving three Mexican gherkins on someone's doorstep in the middle of the night is a fairly inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Q: And anything else either of you’d like to mention?
TONY: Go to your local card shop and hang out near the "I'm Sorry" greeting cards. Wait till someone comes over. Break wind. Hand them a card and walk away.
ROB: Ultimately, I think the Super Mario games are about courage, hard work, and the versatility of a simple shirt/overalls combo.
© Izzy Ferrari May 2015